50 shades of oh hell nah.

I’m currently on a business trip to a new place and I decided to watch a movie this evening to pass sometime… I chose the wrong movie to see and now I want to share my 50 thoughts I had whilst watching it:

  1. I downloaded this soundtrack before seeing the movie, I can tell from this opening sequence that this soundtrack is PERFECT.
  2. I’m sorry Mr. Grey/ Jamie Dornan, I feel like someone who runs a lot would wear tighter running clothes… I mean have you looked at Nike’s running clothes lately?
  3. Can you try and have more suits. Honestly.
  4. OF COURSE ALL YOUR TIES ARE GREY.
  5. Ugh… I miss college.
  6. If you judged my outfit like that, I would not kiss you. Friends take note.
  7. This is so awkward.
  8. Anastasia is so awkward.
  9. What’s the word in that other language for feeling uncomfortable for someone else?
  10. Schadenfreude!
  11. No, I don’t think that’s the word… (to Google after the movie) *Update: I don’t know what word I was looking for*
  12. IVE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD AT PEOPLE. okay Christian, OKAY.
  13. I mean put your hood on. It’s raining, Jesus Ana.
  14. Kate has that look where she looks like someone you know but don’t.
  15. Whereas Anastasia doesn’t look ordinary at all, this is intriguing because I feel like she’s supposed to be playing an ordinary girl.
  16. Kate’s a needy bitch.
  17. I don’t care if you have the flu.
  18. Bob sucks. Bob, you’re worse than Kate!
  19. What the eff- is the correct response to that man just loitering in an aisle in a hardware store like a serial killer.
  20. Straight up serial killer supplies.
  21. Her eyes are so blue. I’m so jealous.
  22. I feel like all men should wear suits all the time but women should totally only wear sweats. Or SWUITS.
  23. I’M SO SICK OF PEOPLE GETTING FIRST EDITION NOVELS AND IM STUCK BUYING BOOKS WITH THE MOVIE CAST ON THE COVER. (maybe I should stop buying Nicholas Sparks books?)
  24. This drunk phone call is my life in a nutshell. *This 30-second drunk phone call was my favorite part of the movie*
  25. I just now noticed the black keys shirt. YASSSSS AKRON LOVE.
  26. “You are a vomitron, Anastasia.” – Christian Grey, probably
  27. “You’re here because I’m creepy and a stalker.” – Also Christian Grey, if I wrote this script
  28. OMG. THAT BLUE SUIT. ONLY WEAR THAT UNTIL THE END OF TIME, JAMIE.
  29. Who would own a piano and not play?! God Ana you can be so stupid sometimes.
  30. Like your Xbox or something? Oh, Ana…
  31. Butts.
  32. Marcia Gay Harden is fabulous. Loved her in The Newsroom. I miss The Newsroom.
  33. Damn you Sorkin.
  34. I’m waiting for her to be like, “I know what you are” and for him to be all, “Say it out loud.” And she’ll be like, “CREEPY.”  Because Twilight.
  35. Texting while driving is not safe, this is your PSA.
  36. This remix of Haunted though. YAS.
  37. I now want to utter the phrase “what are butt plugs” anytime someone bring me wine.
  38. I like the moment when Ana wears the pants. You tell him goodnight.
  39. UHM I want a car. But I don’t want to be a submissive. I guess that’s my line.
  40. BUT WHY DOES SHE STILL HAVE A FLIP PHONE. LORD.
  41. Are those jeans Abercrombie? Circa 2008?bredbcvcaaakfse
  42. Crazy in Love at the perfect time. Kudos Sound Guy?
  43. “You’re all mine.” Just so we’re clear, Christian, she’s not a suit that you own.
  44. I like how Christian forces Ana to open up but then spills his guts to her while she’s sleeping. JUST KIDDING I DONT.
  45. “Another Cosmo,” says  the guy committing ANOTHER stalking incident.
  46. This plane would make me vomit.
  47. I would’ve covered that entire plane in puke.
  48. Copious amounts of upchuck.
  49. Ana is wearing the pants now! I mean not not literally, she’s naked… But she’s putting him in his place.
  50. That ending was abrupt.

I completely understand how Sharknado 2 was ranked higher on Rotten Tomatoes than THIS… View at your own risk, because all of it is bad. So bad. I seriously miss The Newsroom.

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